A woman approaching her 40s says she has never had a boyfriend – and is “trying not to panic” as she would like to start a family.
Kristabel Plummer, 37, started feeling the pressure to find a boyfriend after reading teen magazines at the age of 16.
Throughout her teenage years and twenties, she feared that not having a serious boyfriend meant she was labeled “weird” – but found it hard to get through a second or third date.
Kristabel says she also experienced racist and problematic comments while dating in her late twenties – which stopped her from dating men she met online.
She previously said she wouldn’t date anyone under 5ft 10in – as she is 5ft 6in herself – but has now whittled down her wish list in a bid to meet the right man.
Now, she lives alone and despite still going on first dates, Kristabel feels no pressure to settle down and start a family.
Kristabel, an influencer, from north London, said: “I’m trying to stay positive – there are a lot of women who have children later, and in their forties – but to get a fourth date with someone would be amazing .
“I jokingly say ‘this is a failure’ – but it’s not, it’s just part of my story.
“Dating in my late twenties versus now is very different – I used to feel like it was the end of the world if I was ghosted or rejected.
“But now I don’t really cry and I deal with things very quickly.”
When Kristabel was in her teens, in the late 1990s to early 2000s, she started reading teen magazines like ‘Sugar’ and ‘J-17’.
She says attitudes towards young women at the time meant she felt pressure to act more mature than her age and find a boyfriend.
In reality, she didn’t start “crushing” on boys until she was 16 – and found it hard to meet them, going to an all-girls school in Bromley, London.
You start thinking, ‘This is something I should aim for,’ when you’re 13 and you read those magazines,” Kristabel said.
“I didn’t know why I was targeting him though.
“Now, I might want a partner for company, or to avoid being lonely, but I didn’t think about that as a teenager.”
Kristabel saw a few guys casually at age 16, but didn’t start dating until she was in her twenties.
At the age of 22, in December 2009, she moved to New York for six months, for work.
She wanted the perfect “cute date” – but was devastated when it didn’t happen.
On one of her last days in the city, she was approached by three separate men – but didn’t feel there was “any point” in pursuing them.
She said: “With my 37-year-old hat, I probably should have gone on dates with them, for the experience.
“But you don’t really think like that when you’re in your twenties.
“It was a part of me – I know my mum was 23 – I thought I’d be like her, with a family of my own by the time I was 25.
“But at the age of 25, I had just finished my studies to become a knitwear designer.”
Kristabel’s next attempt at dating was at age 27, when she joined the dating site OkCupid.
But a number of messages she received from the men were “problematic” and “racist” – as well as conversations that naturally went cold.
She admits she had a hard time chasing men under 6ft as that was her usual type.
“Sometimes, you’ll get really problematic messages,” she said.
“Ex: ‘Let’s have mixed-race babies’ or ‘nice wig.’
“I think a lot of the guys I met weren’t serious.
“I was also quite interested in wanting a tall boy.
“I think that might have held me back – I think quite differently now.”
In her thirties, Kristabel started following Instagram accounts like @alittlenudge and @matchmakermaria for dating tips.
She says these accounts put her in a better place when navigating the dating scene.
While her criteria have broadened, Kristabel also doesn’t want to settle down with a man she’s not attracted to – and says she almost ended up in that situation when she was in her twenties.
“I’m not putting pressure on myself to go on dates, hoping to find my life partner,” she said.
“You can’t always tell how things are going to go on the first date – you have to let things grow.
“In the past, though, I would choose guys, not knowing for sure if I was attracted to them.
“I may have decided on a few dates with guys who weren’t necessarily attracted to me – I wouldn’t do that now.”
Kristabel’s current “goal” is to land a third, fourth, or fifth date with someone.
She finds it difficult to meet someone she can relate to – and says her ideal partner would be empathetic, someone she enjoys spending time with and someone she feels safe and vulnerable with.
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